Your Inner Work Evolves Us All

“I’m not going to screw up my kid like my parents screwed me up.”

Sound familiar? It’s often a vow much like this one that first propels us down the path of conscious parenting. It can come from a place of anger, blaming, or self-pity. But it can also come from a place of empowerment. We are acknowledging that things can change and we can be the one to change them. From one generation to the next, we can consciously pass on those traits and behaviors we believe will foster joy in our children and let negative patterns and hurtful behaviors end with us.

Identifying and bringing to light the negative patterns we took on at a young age is an ongoing process — it can be the work of a lifetime. But it’s important work. If you were abused and you don’t abuse your child, it’s a gift. If you were taught to dislike yourself and you teach your child to value himself instead, it’s a gift. If you were brought up in an environment of fear and you instead create a home filled with security and love, it’s a gift. And the repercussions of these gifts are huge. You are doing nothing less than helping the planet to evolve in a positive direction.

So be proud of the inner work you’ve done so far — wherever you are in the process and however much energy your able to devote to it right now. Congratulate yourself on your achievement.

Connecting to Your Inner Guidance

So much of a child’s behavior seemingly defies logic. Self-destructive habits, moodiness, meltdowns can arise for no apparent reason. Unfortunately, there’s no book with all the answers, not one approach that works for every child, every time.

If you’re faced with a situation you don’t know how to handle, or simply want a deeper understanding of what’s going on with your child, often the best solution is to go within and check with your own inner guidance. By getting quiet and tapping the wisdom your higher self always makes available to you, you can find comfort and clarity.

Below is a process for gaining clarity about a situation that can be found in the book “Living With Joy” by Sanaya Roman.

1. Write down something you feel ambivalent or confused about and would like a new understanding and clarity about.

2. Close your eyes and let a symbol emerge that represents the highest resolution of this problem. Draw or describe the symbol on paper.

3. Imagine you are placing this symbol upon your heart; ask for clarity and understanding.

A. What insights are you receiving about how to act or think?

B. What beliefs do you have about the outcome? Do these need to be changed to a higher view?

C. What choices do you have? Think of at least three.

D. What do you intend to do?

QUICK TIP: The 99¢ Store Is Your Friend

So much of parenting — especially when they’re young — is about saying no. The 99¢ Store, on the other hand, is all about “yes.” Allow your child to pick out a certain number of items, and when he can’t decide, let him have a few more. Tactile pre-schoolers might enjoy playing with shaving cream, while crafts and scrapbook supplies keep older kids occupied.

Conscious Parenting Is Self-Centered

I don’t mean this as a bad thing. As new agers, many of us believe that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Our internal conflicts, our joys, our mental focus, can play themselves out in our everyday lives. A connection can usually be found if you look beneath the surface and allow yourself to think expansively and make connections at a symbolic level.

The same sort of thinking can be brought to bear on our interactions with our kids. When something they’re doing is consistently driving us nuts or worrying us, chances are it’s triggering our own unconscious stuff. (Which is not to say that kids aren’t just plain irritating sometimes.)

If you’re dealing with a longstanding conflict or repetitive sore spot, my advice is to look within and see if you can identify an old pattern or conflict in yourself that’s being triggered. One way to do this is to think of a time when you were very young and you experienced the same feelings. Once these subconscious conflicts and hurts have been explored in the light of day, you might find you’ll be able to deal with the situation with your child with much greater ease.

The Wand That Didn’t Work

When my daughter was 4 years old, I bought her an inexpensive light-up wand to go with her princess Halloween costume. She played with the wand for a few minutes, then complained to me that it didn’t work.

“Sure it does,” I told her. “You just flip the switch and it lights up.” “No,” she said. “I mean it doesn’t do magic.” When I understood what she meant, I felt a mix of emotions — from amusement to real sadness at her disappointment. More than anything I wanted to assure her — broken wand notwithstanding — magic was indeed very much hers.

A new age mom, I hold to the notion that our beliefs shape our reality and our thoughts have the power to attract what we want to us. But how do I share this with a 4 year old? And how do I stand up to the borage of questioning that was sure to follow if I told her she was the possessor of this awesome magic — especially with my own understanding a little bit shaky?

At the time I just gave her a hug and chose to say nothing. I suppose the best course of action depends on your unique situation, but in retrospect I feel my internal guidance didn’t mislead me. When my daughter, some years later, came to the realization on her own that she could call to her the things she wanted most, it was all the more powerful.